Many questions come to me in the form of "What do I do when he does this unwanted behavior?" Thus placing focus on the problem behavior and a reactive stance to parenting and behavioral management. While this may be convientional wisdom, I propose this is the least effective and potentially most damaging way to manage behavior.

The problem lies in putting energy and descriptions of the child in terms of when things go wrong. Not only is this a drain on you as the caregiver, it is a drain on the child, your relationship, and the child's abilty to view himself in a positive and healthy light. Furthermore, rather than creating an attitude and model for how we want the child to be, we may inadvertantly be extending and magnifying what we don't want. Ask yourself this: When I punish or take away from my child, does their behavior get better, or worse? Bingo. So if we want the behavior to get better, what do we do? We become intentional about putting more energy into when the rules are not being broken. (See Howard Glasser www.difficultchild.com).

The truth is, as long as nothing is going wrong, they are doing everything right! But generally that's when we go about our business, returning calls, cooking supper, starting the laundry. We stop and pay attention when we hear the screaming. Instead of when we don't. I say that's a mistake, because of the type of interaction we end up having, because of the message it gives to the child, the way it drains our energy and makes us feel, and because we waited until it was too late. Had we noticed the child and shown our appreciation when the rules were not being broken, we could have done it at a time of our convenience, we could have been creating our child's self-image in the form that is true, that they are wonderful, good, being respectful of Mommy and Daddy, working hard and doing a good job of being gentle, sharing, and so on. If we want our children to remember this positive self-image, we need to think it and say it with greater frequency and energy than when things go poorly. Or else they will give up, giving rise to oppositional defiant behavior, depression, anxiety, and misbehavior specifically targeted at "getting" you.

That's right, sometimes your child really is out to get you! I understood this in my head but not in my behavior when my first son was 10 months old. He taught me a lesson. We would get home and he would head for the (no-no) Ozarka water machine, and let out the water, eyes gleaming playfully at me after I already said "Oh-oh, no thank you please Jack!" I thought about it and realized that as long as he got his barn and animals or Thomas the Train out on the rug and played quietly, I put my attention elsewhere! I needed to be saying "Yes Jack, good boy.”